Incomplete

I suppose I should fill everyone in on the summer, nothing like doing it late. I had a great summer in Indiana with my family. I stayed up there for 7 weeks, they were probably glad to see me go...lol. Not really, they wanted me to stay, especially my youngest niece, she still calls me once a week and asks when Im coming back, she is counting down the days until Thanksgiving and to be honest I guess I am too!

So...whats new in my life. My younger sister is expecting her first baby in April. She is the one that got married in July 2007, she sent me an email with the first ultrasound pic. She and her husband are very excited as are the rest of us, just wish they weren't clear down in Miami.

Hmmmm school has started again. I have 21 students this year and its so exciting, Im actually in the building, no more standing in all kinds of weather. And there is room to store things...wow.

Oh yeah I survived my first tropical storm in NC. It wasnt bad, though there were some trees down and some flooding. I guess several people lost electricity, thank goodness I wasnt one of them.

I think that is it, not too exciting I know. But Im ok without the excitement.

Is it ever ok to Lie

Is it ever ok to lie to someone if you feel it is the best thing for them? Yesterday I lied to someone I care very much about and I know I caused them pain but I also feel it is for the best for them and they will be happier without me. Will we still be friends? I hope so! I can't imagine my life without them there in some capacity.

So why did I lie? Because I think that they were confusing feelings for another with feelings for me. Like the old saying goes...If you love something set it free, if it returns it is yours. If it doesn't, it never was. I would rather bow out gracefully than have them have to tell me that they were wrong about how they felt.

It broke my heart to say the things I said and now I feel an emptiness, a void that I know will not be easily filled. But sometimes I think it is ok to lie.

Summer Time in Indiana

Everything got packed and I assume that by now my things have been moved into the school building. How refreshing it will be to have an actual classroom instead of being in a mobile unit. I headed for IN on June 19 and am now staying with my sister and her family. It is good to be home, no matter how long I stay in NC, IN will always be home.

My parents headed out yesterday to go to FL to spend a week with my younger sister and her husband. It was a year ago that I was writing blogs about all the preparations for their wedding. Where does time go? Much too fast. I try to tell my nieces and nephew to treasure time and not wish it away but I also remember what it was like to be young. You think older is better and in some ways it is. Anyway, Im not going to go all melancholy here. My sister, brother in law and youngest niece just left to go visit a cousin for a few days. I decided to stay here and my oldest niece opted to stay with me. Im sure she and I will have a good time...if she is ever home. If she isnt Im just going to enjoy some alone time. I love being here with them all but when you are used to living by yourself and pretty much doing what you want when you want it is hard to adjust.

It looks kind of icky outside and they are forecasting storms for the next few days. They definitely so not need it. They are still recovering from all the floods around the area. I was amazed at the damage that was done. It was the 2nd worst flood recorded in this part of the state. Some of the fields had 9 + feet of water in them and roads that had never been closed had to be this time. I saw pictures and just could not believe it. Too bad some of it cannot be sent to the south east where we were experiencing drought conditions.

Wherever you are I hope your days are sunny and that the many showers are blessing.

Finally Home

Last Monday I was scheduled for my second electrical cardioversion at 1:45. I was dreading it but not as apprehensive as I had been for the first. At 12:20 two nurses came in and said "You have gone into sinus rhythm on your own. To say I was thrilled would be an understatement. The cardiologist came in about 2:00 and told me to go home. So I came home. The rest of this week has been spent recovering from the days in bed. Im finally getting to the point where Im not totally exhausted but I feel better each day. I am so thankful to God each and every day.

Now what - I am on medication and probably will be for the rest of my life and for the next 2 or 3 months I am on a blood thinner just in case I go back into AFib. Im trusting the great physician on this one.

My mom left this morning, the house seems empty with out her. She spoiled me rotten the two weeks she was here but then she usually does. I have great parents and family.

Well thats all for now

Still from the hospital bed

Well, my overnight stay for observation has now turned into 6+ nights. The cardioversion on Thursday was unsuccessful. It is successful in 90% of patients but again Im in the minority. Plan of action? They changed the meds I was on and will try the electric cardioversion again tomorrow. If it is not successful again then I will have to be on blood thinners for the rest of my life to prevent clotting which is the biggest risk of AF.

The doctor did go in with a TEE and look at my heart and said it looks good, there is no kind of damage. Thank God for that. Im very thankful for a lot of things, my BP has been excellent, all my blood work is good and other than the rapid heart beat, I seem to be doing all right. My potassium does continue to run on the low side so Im taking horse pills for that every 2 hours. Low potassium could have thrown me into AF but they just arent sure.

I have to say one thing for this hospital, they have the GREATEST staff ever. Everyone is so kind and takes the time to see to all of my needs including my emotions which have been off the wall. Today I am fighting depression and had to make myself get up and do something. What I would really like to do is lay down and just sleep. I dont want to eat or watch tv or read or even play on the computer but I make myself because I know that getting depressed wont help matters any at this point.

More later, but hopefully not from the hospital.

From the Hospital Bed

I am writing this blog from the Wake Med heart center in Raleigh NC. That sounds scarier than it is...well, not for me because I get panicky at every little thing. Last Saturday I had another episode of my heart racing. Ive had these before but normally they only last 30 - 60 minutes, followed by two or three hours of exhaustion. But Saturday was different, it lasted much longer, continued off and on on Sunday and then again on Monday, which was my 44th birthday.

Anyway, I went to see my doctor on Monday. He wasnt in but his nurse practitioner was and she listened to my heart and immediately said..."We are doing an EKG." Then she went and got the other doctor on duty and he came in and told me I was in atrial fiberllation. Of course, I didnt know what that was and nearly panicked until he told me it was something that millions of people live normal lives with, even naming a couple of celebrities like basketball great Larry Byrd. He then proceded to tell me he wanted me in the hospital overnight for observation and they called an ambulance and off I went.

First they put me on an IV of a drug to try and convert back to normal rhythm, successful in 50% of patients, well guess who isnt in that 50% so it took until last night to get the beat normal and today I am having a cardioversion using electricity, yes they are shocking back into regular rhythm. Then I will have to take meds to try and keep it from happening again. I will probably remain in the hospital until Sat or Sun. My mom and sister came down to be with me, thank you God. My poor mom had a bad night last night because *I* was running in panic mode.

It is now 2 hours before the procedure begins and I feel like Im about to jump out of my skin. I cant believe how nervous I am when everyone tells me how common this is and how low risk. Why do I always see the glass as half empty, and why is my faith so weak that I cant trust God to make the best decisions for me. I just dont know.

I will write more on how the procedure went later.

No Heart for Blogging

After my aunt Shirley's death in December and all the subsequent things that happened in my life I sank into a self imposed prison of depression. I was so homesick for Indiana that I could hardly stand it and all I could think of was being with my family. I finally broke in mid March when my dad's oldest sister, Jean, passed away. She died on March 16 and when I went to work on the 17th I just couldnt handle it. After talking to the principal and vice principal I took the 3 days left of that week and, thankfully the next week was spring break, went home. I got to attend my aunt's funeral and spend time with my family. I came back to NC with a much healthier attitude and the depression is seemingly gone. I think I needed to closure.

As for rest of what is going on with me. The school where I teach is splitting next year. We just recently found out that our principal will be going to the new school along with one of our assistant principals, while the other asst principal will become the principal at our school. Staff will be split between the two schools but we probably wont know until about the end of April which school we will be out. I put our current school as my choice simply because it is closer to where I live but I dont know home much consideration will be given to what we prefer. Either way I feel comfortable with administration in either school.

Speaking of school, it is that time of year where the kids are sick of the teachers and the teachers are sick of the kids. Little spats between students are common and the teachers have short fuses. 41 days left, not that Im counting.

Well that is really all that is going on here so for now Ill say "keep on keeping on"

It's Been Awhile

I didn't realize how long it had been since I last published a post. December and January have not been the best months Ive ever had but I guess sometimes that is just the way it goes. Where to begin...

Four days after my aunt Shirley was buried, her oldest sister (and my dad's also) suffered a heart attack. Her prognosis is not good. I went home on the 21st and stayed for 11 days, while there I got to go visit my aunt Jean twice. I am so glad about that.

I drove on on January 2, it was COLD all through KY and WV, windchills were below zero and ther was snow most of the way. After a 12 hour drive I was pretty tired but determined to unpack my car, including a new television my brother bought me (he is so sweet.) I went to lift the tv out of the car and I heard a pop and had a searing pain shoot through my shoulder. I couldn't move it without severe pain. My first thought was I had dislocated it, so I called a friend who drove me to the emergency room. Five hours later I had finally found out that I had a small tear in my rotary cup, hopefully will be able to avoid surgery if Im careful with it. I wore a sling for a few days but it was more uncomfortable than the shoulder so now Im just being careful. The dr didnt let me go back to work until the 6th so I had 3 days of extra vacation. Not exactly the way I like to use my days off.

My ten year old niece got kicked by a horse last week, her leg was cut and bruised pretty bad and she had to wear a special pressure stocking. She is doing fine though.

I got to see the owner of ye olde duck and run a week ago last Saturday. I made him and his kitty a meatloaf and took it to them at a nearby truck stop and we had a drink together (tea and lemonade.) It was nice to see him again.

Well I guess that is all for tonight, about bed time. Will try to keep this more updated in the future.